Valentine's Day is a great time to reflect on all the things that are great about our lover, especially if a new baby has joined the family. Sometimes when a baby has entered our lives and everything becomes a swirl in our overtaxed and sleep-deprived state, we can start to feel disconnected from our partners. Fatigue can wreak havoc and make us cranky. As mothers, we can feel like our bodies are no longer are own - nursing, slinging, bjorning, getting spit up on. Often disagreements about the division of labor in our homes can crop up. (I fondly remember when our couples counselor suggested we use paper plates to prevent dishwashing disagreements.) Our days become consumed with everything baby and nothing grown-up....and we may feel a growing distance from our lover...To nurture that relationship and keep connected, I want to recommend three things:
1) Date night - I can't stress enough how important this is! Yes, paying a sitter is a bit of a sacrifice, but A MUST to keep connected! Make it a real date night. Get dressed up, go somewhere nice and romantic. Resist the temptation to talk about the baby all night. Keep the conversation on adult topics. Think about the things you enjoyed talking about and doing together before baby and try to revisit them. Once a month is the minimum, but once a week would be better! ***A friend and former client of mine said that date nights were hard for them to arrange, but that they would take time out when the baby was asleep to have a "coffee date" or a nice candlelit dinner at home. Find what works for you...
2) A "what I love about my lover" journal - It might sound hokey, but sitting down and writing a minimum of three things a day that you love about your partner can be such a great tool for continued appreciation of and gratitude for your significant other. When you hit a rough patch and bickering abounds, take a moment to read it and remind yourself of all their great qualities. Maybe even tell them the things you think are great about them. That will be great incentive for them to keep doing "the good stuff."
3) Open discussion - As obvious as that might seem, when things are tough, many people don't say anything. They bottle things up, not wanting to rock the boat. This leads to frustration and resentment. Pick a regular time - weekly or better yet, daily - when you can both speak your mind freely. Make an effort to remain respectful, to listen without judgement and with compassion. Recognize when you become defensive and let it go. Don't go to bed mad. Remember you are in this parenthood thing together and a couple that can resolve issues well, stay connected, and demonstrate love and affection for each other in front of their children are setting the stage for their children to have great communication skills and wonderful relationships in the future....
Think about what you adore about your partner today. Give them a great big hug. Love is the gift that always gives back! Love to you all! - Lisa Feuer
